So yes, I live with my loving family. They are quite the readers, and having several books around me meant that I got to read a bunch when I was younger. I was mostly preoccupied with the non-fiction books mostly concerning physics and chemistry, one of the books I held dear to my heart contained ideas from biology. ==Picture of the book== I also appreciated books like encyclopedias and such, which continued to develop and manifest in an interest in the sciences.
In school I received proper exposure to biology and programming. I found the topic interesting and confusing at the same time, causing me to struggle to learn. Despite this I continued to study biology in Junior College and subsequently in university.
The schools also offered us subsidised Chromebooks for learning purposes. They also had a mini programming course, using Microsoft microbit platform to play around with some rudimentary coding and computer engineering. I was very fortunate in this regard, as I know most other people may not have had the same exposure in school.
After graduating though I used the slow Chromebooks to live boot Linux USBs. Using Arch Linux in junior college solely for school work. After that I upgraded my laptop and switched to Debian 12 Stable, for most of my computer usage.
I guess this leads up until now with me trying out webdesign here on NeoCities!
In primary school, the administration encouraged us to participate in clubs and societies after school hours to me a more well-rounded individual. I choose to be part of the computer club which was later renamed as the media club. Though the name implied that I would get much more experience with the computer, I did not much much of a chance. In realty our club was involved in making stop motion animations with a camera and paper props. There I learned how to take photos and make the paper props for the animation. Looking back it was a nice introduction to photography and videography skills.
Moving on into secondary school, I decided to change it up and joined a concert band, playing the baritone saxophone for them for about 3 and a half years.
In Junior College I felt that I would go back to videography, but this time traditional videography. Again I was back to helping the school make videos. Currently I am now back to playing music, this time with the universities harmonica club.
Though the last few paragraphs are honestly quite short and does nothing to say about how much I grew my artistic skills or talents. Looking back i feel a great wonder at how I learned so much and developed an interest in the arts from secondary school till now.
I sometimes wonder why didn't I try even harder and stick to playing the baritone saxophone, I would think that I would have been a great musician. But that is besides the point, despite my interest in the arts I never saw a future with it and thought of it as a side project to keep me entertained. Perhaps it was for the better though, and I will continue making art in the future and sharing it here.
Hello I just wanted to check in, this is the section with all the content warnings: Gender Discussions (Duh), and pornography. If you are frankly disinterested, weary of these topics, or somehow know me in real life proceed at you own caution.
The story will not be in chronological order, I ordered them in a sequence that made sense in my head. Sorry if this is a confusing read!
In my country all males needed to go into mandatory conscription, ending up in military or civil service for 2 years. After junior college I went into the military in 2023, and about 1 year later in 2024 I came across several online materials discussing transgender ideas. This was perhaps the catalyst, and allowed me to realise that I might be transgender.
But of course I must have had some confirmation that I had the mind of a female to even consider that I was transgender. Though none of the things I mention here are outright obvious signs, and many could be understood as me being just a silly and weird child, I felt like the presence of all of them gave at least some reason to pay attention to the new urge feelings I felt.
When I was a little kid I was told that I liked to play with my mothers make up, and had repeatedly ruined a lot of it. I also began early forms of cross dressing, which mostly presented itself as wearing female underwear so that I would not get caught. I initially started with stealing my mothers, which looking back is quite disgusting. After entering secondary school my prepubescent brain realised how appalling it was but still wanted to continue the habit, from secondary school to junior college and now I started to buy my own clothes wear them at home.
Of course my journey of identity was not without its challenges. I was caught multiple times by family members, they would scold me. I always felt so unreasonably guilty, but no matter how much it seemed to hurt me and my family I would always go back at it. This was a cycle that repeated roughly once every 1-2 years, of hiding my secret, getting found out and abstaining, and then returning to cross dressing. Looking at it like this it seems like a bad habit yes?
The issue got worse once I started to get my own clothes. Though I felt a lighter moral weight as compared to when I was stealing my own mothers, the guilt arguably got worse when I was caught with them. Each time I would have to go out of my way to get them, and within the next year or so I would be unable to maintain the facade and get caught. They would make me throw out my clothes and I felt as if I had wasted the money I spent, all while knowing this was the hard earned money from my parents.
Though I may say this I must say that I still maintained a good and healthy relationship with my family. Now they have somewhat come to accept this when I came out to them, though it is perhaps because I still do not dare to cross dress in front of them directly.
I also had issues with pornography. For some wicked reason I had came across pornography when I was 10. Becoming a distinct problem during junior college I had become addicted. And this was an issue for me because it caused me a lot of stress and worry and also took time away from me when I had more important things to do. Furthermore, relating to my gender identity in a book titled: Free Your Mind they suggested that consumption of porn tended to turn men into trans women. This made me concerned that this was the issue in my case as well.
The book also continued to say that in online groups like Reddit, transgender individuals deluded each other into thinking whatever they are feeling is an indication of a transgender identity. They refer to people validating that someone else was trans even if they are questioning, like the fact that they are questioning is a sign that a person is trans. While not the main point of the book it made me think if external influences subconsciously formed trans ideas in me.
While nothing concrete, I stopped using pornography for a few months and the desire did not change. I think that if it was caused by it the change was permanent, and the next reasonable step was to just continue down the path. Reflecting on it I cannot say for sure that pornography was my first step to realising that I am transgender, but I cannot reject the possibility if the findings of the book is valid. But I do not hold any hate or regret if it was the case, though this is possibly the most expensive consequence of any addiction I've have had in my life. (^w^)
In 2024 after realising that I may be trans, and trying to just find someway to express myself I began to engage with the idea more. Picking up and acting in ways that I thought was girly, wearing clear nail polish and even wearing fem clothes in public, going to Reddit trans subreddits and such.
Eventually after my 2 years in the military I was discharged, and free to explore my identity in its entirely. I first looked for ways to legally get HRT in my country, and after seeking guidance online I managed to get a private clinic to provide me with HRT. They also recommended a place to get therapy along the way.
This was when I came out to my immediate family and some friends, they mostly gave positive and supportive reactions. But some like my father and grandparents were not so, but they seemed to be worried about my safety and health rather than being directly opposed to being transgender.
I feel very fortunate that everything went down so smoothly, I am glad that I was offered gender affirming healthcare, and the support of my family and friends. I understand that there are many transgender peeps out there who hasn't or will not receive the same kind of support, and I wish them all the best and hope that their situation changes.